So, first question: Jeremy Clarkson – can you sum him up in three words?
Will children read this book?
Oh. Oh dear. That’s going to be tricky then. Can we come back to this one?
Of course. What about James May? Can you sum him up in three words?
Are children still reading?
They might be.
Riiiiight. Might have to come back to this one too. Sorry.
That’s okay. Here’s an easier one. Sum up The Grand Tour in three words.
Erm, okay, right. Tele … vision … show.
That’s two words.
Oh, okay. Tele … vision … show … about … cars.
That’s four words.
No, I’m using ‘television show’ as one word.
But ‘television show’ isn’t one word.
It is to some people.
Me. Ah-ha, didn’t think of that, did you?
No. But, with respect, that’s not really a cogent argument. Just because one person thinks or does something doesn’t make it correct.
Alright, James May. I didn’t realise this interview was called ‘three minutes in which someone comes into Richard’s office and is really pedantic about stuff’.
Speaking of which, time is short and we should move on. I have to ask, when I was interviewing Jeremy there was a noise outside and he claimed it was you falling down the stairs. is that correct?
Oh, for God’s sake, you have one little accident or two and they want to make out like you’re some kind of bungling Inspector Clouseau character who can’t do a single thing without turning it into a massive farce. it’s simply not true.
In fairness, and I wasn’t going to mention this, you seem to have a stapler stuck to your sleeve.
Yes, I know. I put it there. Deliberately.
So you didn’t fall down the stairs earlier?
Well I might have, a little bit. But that’s not the point. Everyone falls down the stairs once or twice a day.
Yes. Yes they do. I know I do. It doesn’t make me accident prone. Likewise, the stapler. Did you know that stapling mishaps kill more people in Britain every year than other common accidents such as trying to drink from a tap and accidentally turning the tap on too much and then loads of water comes out of your nose and then you almost drown to death.
I’ve never heard of that happening to anyone.
It happens all the time. It’s happened to me twice this week alone. Taps are lethal.
I don’t want to dwell on the stairs. And I mean that quite literally. But yes, they’re lethal. Look, my point is that I’m not some kind of flailing buffoon, some sort of Norman Wisdom character. I mean, look, this window here ha been open the whole time I’ve been talking to you and have I fallen out of it?
No, I suppose not.
Exactly. You listen to the other two and they’re always saying, ‘Oh, don’t let Hammond near open windows. Let’s move Hammond’s office off the first floor. Let’s put child locks on all the taps and stop storing anvils on that shelf’ and its nonsense.
Yes, I see. So, to get back to the original question. can you describe Jeremy Clarkson in three words?
I think I’m going to go with ‘That bloody Jeremy Clarkson’.
That’s four words.
No, I’m using Jeremy Clarkson as one word.
But it … actually, I think we’re out of time.
Oh, okay. Well, nice to talk to you. Let me show you out … arrrgh!
Richard falls out of the window.
Words: From The Grand Tour Guide to the World
The Grand Tour Guide to the World is available now!
The world is a big place full of interesting things. And The Grand Tour has seen some of them. That’s why few people are better placed to lead you around this vast planet of ours than Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May. As long as you don’t mind getting hot and lost. Welcome, everyone, to The Grand Tour Guide to The World.
In this indispensable guide, you will find an abundance of information, most of which is probably wrong and possibly dangerous. As well as occasionally accurate guides to the places visited on the show, you’ll find exclusive interviews with the presenters and discover their favourite locations for car-based cocking about.
As well as being a factually dubious encyclopaedia, The Grand Tour Guide to the World is also a travel companion for those of you who have been inspired by the Grand Tour circus. You’ll find tips on how to sing like a native in the Bahamas, how to speak Welsh (wrongly), and how to navigate the magic roundabout in Swindon. On top of all this, we reveal the world’s fastest cop cars and the greatest car makers. And there’s a picture of James May in an anorak.
Posted on December 19, 2017 by Andrea